Love in Tights
Script for Pages 1-7
Written by Randy Lander
February 28, 1998
An outside shot of
a freight train car. The cars in front and behind are not visible, and
a blue sky is visible for a few feet above the car.
Same shot, but with
a short, dog-like werewolf running across the top of the train car, coming
from the car behind the one on-panel. This is HAIRY, and his tongue lolls
out behind him as he runs along on all fours like a dog. Ask me if you
need a reference copy of LiT #2, where he first appeared.
A tall, slender vampire
comes running across the top of the car as HAIRY clears the panel, only
the rear half of his body visible on the front of the car. The slender
vampire is DAPPER, running in a bit more dignified fashion, his head turned
to look behind them with a wide-eyed, half-mouth open look of curious fear
on his face. Ask me if you need a reference copy of LiT #2, where he first
He's still behind us, Hairy!
DAPPER's legs are
visible at the right side of the panel as he has nearly finished running
across the train car.
Same panel as #1.
Across the top of
the train car another man comes running. He stands about seven feet tall,
rippling muscles contained by a white cotton button-up shirt and blue jeans.
On his chest is a silver star that occupies most of his left pec, and on
his head is a white cowboy hat. He holds a pair of silver revolvers, one
in each hands. His face, chiseled and handsome, contains a scowl of pure
determination. He is yelling through that scowl and those gritted teeth.
This is MARSHAL. This should be sheer cartoonish fury, almost foaming at
the mouth as he chases these fugitives.
Give it up, Dapper! I'm bringing you in!
We see HAROLD PERFECT
(again, ask for LiT #2 if you need a reference), dressed in a white suit
coat and black tie. We can only see him from the shoulders up, and we can
see some sort of fine painting hanging behind him. It should be clear that
he is in his home or somewhere that is most definitely not the train. What
should not be clear is that anyone else is in the room with him. Or, more
to the point, who is in the room with him. He is clearly talking to someone
off-panel, a bit annoyed, as he puts his cellular phone up toward his mouth.
Just a moment, please. I need to make a call.
PERFECT places the
phone to his mouth as he has just dialed the phone number, and pulls his
other hand up above the bottom of the panel so that we can see he is holding
some kind of list, a few pages of paper. This is in fact the tentative
guest list for HAIRY and DAPPER's wedding, but that should not be evident
in this panel.
HAIRY and DAPPER
are standing on the platform that belongs to the first passenger train
on the car, right next to the steel door with a window. DAPPER reaches
into his jacket with one hand, reacting with surprise as the ringing starts.
Same setting as page
one, panel 9. HAIRY is looking up at the freight car behind them, no doubt
expecting MARSHALL to come down on them at any minute. DAPPER has pulled
out a cellular phone and placed it to his ear, and begun talking, with
a nervous expression on his face.
Hello? Mr. Perfect? Now is...not really a good time.
Same setting as panel
1. HAIRY is gone, only a set of motion lines indicating that he has leaped
into the air. DAPPER is a cloud of mist, with only the cellular phone sitting
in his solid hand emerging from the cloud. A hail of bullets rains down
from above, with several shooting through his misty form and several others
striking the metal door, including one that shatters the glass window.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
2 PERFECT (ON PHONE,SMALL):
dapper? hairy? is that gunfire?
Up atop the freight
car, HAIRY is leaping toward MARSHAL, who still has his guns pointed down
toward the space between cars. HAIRY is howling with fury, which actually
makes him look more cute than ferocious, and MARSHAL is yelling as well.
4 MARSHAL: You're
under arrest, you furry little freak!
HAIRY lands square
on MARSHAL's face, his arms and legs wrapped around the face as his weight
starts knocking the guy down. This should be mostly a head level shot,
maybe even from behind MARSHAL's head so all we can see is his hat and
HAIRY's arms and legs wrapping around.
to the top of the train car as HAIRY bounces off-panel, motion lines indicating
that he is headed once more back to the space between cars.
(OFF): Hairy! Come!
HAIRY lands on the
platform between trains, and the only sign of DAPPER is the cellular phone
still held in his hand, which is attached to a trail of mist going through
the window and into the passenger car. HAIRY is looking quizzically at
(ON PHONE): Dapper, we really need to talk about the guest list for your
A shot of the train
from the platform between the two cars. HAIRY dives in through the window
as the phone disappears through it as well.
(OFF): I'm under a bit of a time crunch right now...
2 PERFECT (OFF):
Weddings don't plan themselves, Dapper. And some of these requests are...well,
impossible. Even for me!
The platform is empty.
Gunfire rains down on the spot where HAIRY just was.
(OFF): Mr. Perfect, you arranged a heroine-villain wedding on Amazon Island!
How hard can this be?
that HAIRY and DAPPER have entered a passenger car. They are running down
a thin hallway, with closed doors on either side. DAPPER is solid again,
holding the phone to his ear, his eyes wide with surprise. HAIRY is once
again running on all fours, his tongue lolling out.
(PHONE): Well, Hairy wants me to invite Lassie, Benji and Rin-Tin-Tin!
to a halt, and HAIRY screeches to a stop just in front of him.
DAPPER looks over
at HAIRY with a chagrined expression on his face, a sort of half-smile
combined with frustration. HAIRY returns the look with his usual wide-eyed
Er...Hairy has trouble distinguishing between fantasy and reality. He doesn't
have many... real friends.
HAROLD PERFECT holds
his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone so that DAPPER can't hear what
he's saying. This should be the same shot as before, nothing above the
chest area, not much background, no way of seeing who else is in the room.
This might take a while...I really can't help you.
PERFECT removes his
hand from the mouthpiece and speaks into the phone again, glancing into
his other hand, which holds the guest list for the wedding.
And Trog? I know you three used to be a villain team, but you can't invite
him. He's married to the world's greatest heroine now!
Back to the train.
DAPPER and HAIRY are on the connecting point between the passenger car
and another car. Gunfire is flying all around them. DAPPER looks quite
annoyed, as if they were bees instead of bullets. There is a motion line,
as if something is arcing toward them, but we can't see what it is. The
arc goes above the panel. HAIRY leaps into the air, off the panel.
But he's our best friend and our best man! I thought you were the best
wedding planner there is?
4 PERFECT (PHONE):
I am, but there are limits! You know, keeping the location secret hasn't
to talk, looking slightly worried. Bullets continue to spray the area,
some of them hitting DAPPER with no apparent ill effects. HAIRY lands next
You haven't told anyone, have you? Half the heroes in the world are looking
for us after that last bank robbery! And what about the food? Ken-L ration
and blood, right? Not that cheap imitation stuff!
6 PERFECT (PHONE):
Yes, fine, fine...but the guest list...
HAIRY looks up, wagging
happily while holding a grenade in his mouth. This is, of course, what
was arcing above their heads, and HAIRY has decided to "fetch." DAPPER
looks down, a blank expression on his face. Not so much terrified or angry
as mentally stunned.
DAPPER swipes the
grenade out of HAIRY's mouth. MARSHAL comes into view now, standing onto
the edge of the other train car's platform and holding two guns. His face
is a mask of rage as he continues to fire into DAPPER, which has no effect
except to put holes in his tuxedo.
Give me that! No fetch!
DAPPER tosses the
grenade to MARSHAL.
I believe this is yours?
MARSHAL dives off
the side of the train, shrieking like a little girl.
DAPPER looks down
at HAIRY, who is still lolling his tongue out and wagging happily. The
grenade explodes on the side of the train, causing a brief flare-up next
to the duo.
I love you, Hairy, but sometimes you are sooooo dumb.
HAROLD PERFECT. Same
shot as always, but doesn’t bother holding his hand over the mouthpiece,
this time, talking first to the crowd and then to HAIRY and DAPPER.
Really...ladies...gentlemen...if I hear anything, I'll contact you of course.
But I really can't help you.
5 PERFECT: Now what
about the Living Mountain? I've got him crossed off, is that right?
Back to the train.
DAPPER is leaning his head around the outside of the train, looking to
see if MARSHAL really fell off. We should not see from his point of view
(i.e. we don't know if he fell or not, we just know DAPPER is looking.)
That's right...we stole a death-ray from him recently; that kind of burned
Shot of MARSHAL,
from DAPPER's point of view. We can see DAPPER looking at him, perhaps
having the "camera" directly behind DAPPER's head. MARSHAL is very close,
holding one of his guns out straight in front of him, pointing at DAPPER.
He has a snarl on his face. His other hand is holding onto the side of
the train, and his legs are flapping out behind him.
MARSHAL fires. Ideally,
this panel should consist of nothing more than a giant gunshot-simulating
explosion and the back of DAPPER's head, so that it's clear he has been
shot in the face but nothing else is clear.
HAROLD PERFECT is
yelling into the phone, looking concerned.
Are you all right? That sounded awful close!
DAPPER pulls his
head back. He caught a bullet right in the forehead. The result has been
a silver circle right smack dab in the middle of his forehead (no blood...he's
a vampire), and his widow's peak has transformed instead into a giant cowlick.
His eyes are crossed, staring at the new cowlick. He does not look amused.
I'm fine. Just a little bullet in the head, although I'll have to go see
the hairstylist again tomorrow.
Suddenly, on the
side of the train, we no longer see meadows or blurs of terrain going past,
but instead solid stone. The train has just entered a tunnel.
Oh. Tunnel. Heh.
Shot of MARSHAL as
he watches the tunnel approaching, about to scrape him off the train. He
again screams like a little girl.
DAPPER and HAIRY
are stepping through the door into the next train car. DAPPER flinches,
as if he just heard something exceedingly painful. Which, of course, he
did. That being the sound of MARSHAL hitting the tunnel at high speeds.
DAPPER talks into
the phone, looking a bit bemused, as HAIRY steps into the next train car.
Mr. Perfect? Harold? Hmph. Must have lost him when we went into the tunnel.
Shot of HAROLD PERFECT,
the last one (I promise) that shows him only from the waist up or so, with
no clue as to anyone around him. He speaks, half into the phone and half
to whoever he's been talking to for the entirety of the story.
Dapper? Hello? Hmph. Must have gone into a tunnel. Now then, ladies and
gentlemen, for the last time...
Splash page. We see
now who HAROLD PERFECT has been talking to the whole time. This should
be a long shot, pulled back as far as you can. He is surrounded by specially
armed police, super-espionage agents and superheroes, all of whom are quite
obviously the ones looking for HAIRY and DAPPER. PERFECT is shouting to
them, proclaiming loudly for all to hear...
I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE DAPPER AND HAIRY ARE!!